


You Will Never Be Loved

by Js_Mindscape



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Deceit Sanders, Abusive Relationships, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys Kissing, Comfort/Angst, Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders In Love, Crying, Cussing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Romance, Fluff and Angst, Gay Logic | Logan Sanders, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kissing, M/M, Men Crying, One Shot, Physical Abuse, Prince Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Self Confidence Issues, Sexual Abuse, Smitten Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Surprise Kissing, Swearing, Trans, Trans Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Trans Male Character, Transphobia, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-22
Updated: 2019-01-22
Packaged: 2019-10-14 10:59:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17507333
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Js_Mindscape/pseuds/Js_Mindscape
Summary: Roman is transgender. He found out later on in life after moving in with Damien (Deceit). After months of violent physical and emotional abuse, Damien is arrested for his crimes and Roman eventually moves on and becomes a strong independent young man. However, after a year has passed, Roman meets a very attractive professor and it throws a wrench into his world.





	You Will Never Be Loved

“I’m sorry, you’re what?” Damien questioned darkly, causing slight hesitancy with the other person in the room. Rosalina had just walked into the room, after getting back from gender therapy. Damien was sitting on the couch in front of the television, but his focus was on his significant other, no longer the moving images on the screen.

“I’m… I’m transgender,” Rosalina said. “I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria. Something I’ve thought I had for years. I was supposed to be a boy and plan to transition.”

Damien went silent for a moment until his cold loud laugh rung out the whole room. “You honestly think that’s gonna work out for you, Rose?”

“I-I’m sorry?” This wasn’t how this was supposed to go. He thought that Damien would be understanding and kind. Damien said he loved him so much and they’ve been together for so long, why wouldn’t he at least listen?

“Rosalina, you’re a girl, get over it,” He reiterated, causing Rosalina’s skin to crawl. “You have a vagina, you have breasts, deal with it. Just because you don’t like it, doesn’t mean you have-”

“It’s not just that!” He snapped. “This thing cripples me and stops me from looking in a mirror, it stops me from enjoying sex, it makes me want to legitimately kill myself during that time of the month, and it made me hurt myself multiple times-”

“You hurt yourself, nothing caused it except you,” Damien stood up and towered above him. “The only thing that’s truly wrong with you is you’re delusional.”

“Fuck you-”

Damien slapped the other man’s face, causing him to fall to the hardwood floors. He crouched down and grabbed his face forcefully, making eye contact. Tears fell down Rosalina’s face. “I should just fuck you until you understand your place again.”

…

“Roman,” Virgil began as he continued driving down the street, quickly glancing over to the passenger side before setting his eyes back on the road. “I don’t mean to be nosy or anything, but you’ve been kinda… off lately.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, attempting to smile through his lie.

“For one, you are wearing long sleeves in the middle of June and you’re keeping your hair down despite the fact you would normally have it up or in a hat,” His eyebrows furrowed then relaxed. “I’m your best friend, Ro, if something is going on, you can tell me.”

“I don’t know, what to tell you,” the other man shrugged, causing himself to wince slightly at the sharp pain throughout his entire back.

The purple-haired man noticed this. He pulled over to the side of the road, turning his caution lights on. “Roman, I know this is a weird question but I just need to confirm something. Are you wearing a shirt under that sweater?”

“Yeah, a tank top,” he said hesitantly, worried about where this was heading. “Why do you ask?”

“Can you take off your sweater?”

Roman froze. He didn’t need this to happen. He didn’t need Virgil to worry more than he had to. He was fine. Sure, Damien hurt him a lot, but maybe he deserved it. Plus, he did it because he loved him and he would receive worse from someone else.

“I… I can’t… There’s nothing you need to confirm.” Well, that wasn’t convincing. Good job, Ro.

“Then you shouldn’t have a problem with wearing a short-sleeved shirt in front of me,” he faced his friend, concern burning in his eyes. “I just… I just need to know you’re okay, Ro. I know it’s really warm, so you can’t be comfortable.”

“I’m… I’m fine,” He leaned on the window.

“If nothing’s wrong then you can take your sweater off.”

Roman sat there for a moment before he quietly muttered a “fine” and took his sweater off, exposing all of his various scars, scratches, and bruises.

“Oh my god,” Virgil felt tears come to his eyes, but he blinked them away as he stared at his hands white-knuckled on the steering wheel. He took a deep breath. “Did Damien do this to you?”

He hesitated. “Please don’t hurt him.”

“I’m gonna kill him,” The other said through gritted teeth.

“You can’t!” The long-haired man cried.

“Then we’re going to the police then,” He declared, getting out his phone to the GPS app. “Have you showered within the last twenty-four hours?”

“No, but-”

“Then we’re going.” Virgil then put his phone down and drove back onto the road.

“Virge, that’s unnecessary!” Roman forced himself to chuckle a bit, trying to get rid of the tension. “I’m alive!”

“You’re not going to be if you let this continue,” he said firmly. “Why can’t you see that?”

“Because he loves me!”

“Roman, Patton and I love you and we don’t beat you. I get people to show love differently, but why would he intentionally harm you if he loved you?”

He thought about that for a moment. He thought about how Patton would hug him or give him kisses on the head to show his love. He thought about how Virgil would encourage him or comfort him to show affection. He then thought about how he would do things for everyone along with physical contact to express it. Damien didn’t do anything like that, he never did, except if he wanted something in return.

“I don’t know,” he muttered, staring at his twiddling thumbs.

…

“Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict?” The judge asked, her voice echoing throughout the silent room.

“Yes, your honor.” A young lady replied, her voice crisp and clear.

“What say you?”

The case had gone on for hours, it felt endless. From the time Roman broke down into tears at the stand with only his lawyer, Dr. Pecani, to comfort him, the time they showed multiple photos of Roman’s multiple injuries and x-rays for evidence, and the time they had Virgil and Patton testify as a witness to the abuse. Those were only a few of the occurrences in that courtroom could recall, besides all the threatening silent glares Damien gave him up to this moment. For a moment the world stopped, Roman forgot how to breathe. The whole courtroom seemed to the same, but for only a moment.

“On the charge of domestic violence, we find the defendant: guilty,” the young lady continued. “On the charge of rape, we find the defendant: guilty.”

For a second, Roman couldn’t see anything, everything felt and looked fuzzy. The voices that he could somewhat hear were muffled and quiet. It was like a grenade had shot off right by his ear, causing a painful ringing. Everything was in slow motion. He could feel someone gently grip his right shoulder, then a bit later his right as his blurry world spun and a blob sat in front of him.

“Roman,” he could hear a familiar voice call as the ringing slowly faded and his vision became clearer. “Roman, hey.” He could finally see and hear, it was Emile Picani. “Roman, we won!”

The man fully comprehended what happened and tears came flowing, but he didn’t feel them, he couldn’t feel himself crying anymore, just the stinging of his eyes. Wasn’t he supposed to feel happy or, at the very least, relief?

“We did?” He questioned, furrowing his eyebrows for a moment before relaxing them. “I don’t… I don’t feel like we did.”

He looked around the room, there weren’t many people there anymore. The only ones there was him, Picani, Virgil, and Patton.

“You’re in shock, but that’s okay,” He reassured. “Things are going to be alright.”

As soon as the lawyer said that, the phrase “Was it?” echoed throughout the young man’s mind. That’s when he finally felt everything, all the screaming he did through a hand muting him, all the bone breaking words thrown at him as fists, all the blood from half-healed self-inflicted wounds along his thighs and wrist felt reopened, and he could finally feel the relief and feel himself cry.

He fell into Picani’s chest, in shaking sobs. It was finally over. Damien was put away for a long time, albeit not all the time he deserved, but still away from Roman and his family. Virgil and Patton watched him crumble into the other man’s arms. They didn’t want to say anything or felt the need to, they knew he needed the crumble and they were prepared to help him put himself back together.

…

The car ride was silent, aside from the low-volume radio playing happy fast-paced music. Virgil sat in the driver seat while Roman sat in the passenger. Patton and Picani went to their homes after everything was done. They all insisted on going out to eat to celebrate winning the case, but Roman declared he was tired and would rather go back to his apartment.

“Hey, I really don’t want to leave you alone,” Virgil finally mention, ending the silence. “I’m not saying you’re in danger or anything, because obviously, you’re not anymore. But I just… I don’t know, I don’t want to leave you alone.”

Roman searched for his words and his best acting skills as he turned towards his friend and put on his best fake smile. “I’m okay, I just need to be alone to think over things, ya know?”

He glanced over and furrowed his eyebrows. “I guess.” He sat silently for a moment. “Just… Let me know if you need anything, okay?”

“I will don’t worry!” The car ride went quiet again, up until Virgil was outside of Roman’s apartment. “Thanks for driving me around for the past few months, I really appreciate it.”

“No problem, man, I’d do anything for you,” Virgil said with a gentle smile.

Roman unbuckled his seatbelt, leaned over, and hugged him. “I love you so much, Virge.”

The other man slightly hesitated but hugged his best friend back. “I love you too, Ro.”

The hug lasted a full minute, which was different from what Virgil was used to, but he wasn’t going to complain. They both had a very rough couple of months, especially Roman. After the hug was over, Roman got out of the car, waved at Virgil one last time, and went inside his apartment, which still didn’t feel exclusively his. It never did.

As he walked into the living room, it still smelled like Damien. Some of the clothes on the floor were Damien’s, that couch still had an imprint where Damien would normally sit, the dishes in the sink were once eaten off by Damien, everything in that apartment reminded him of Damien. Roman’s mind was filled with awful memories of being thrown around, hit, and forced to do things he didn’t want to do. He couldn’t take this.

He stomped over to the dishes and threw them on the ground with a loud crash, he took all of Damien’s clothes in the fireplace and lit it, he then took the cushions on the couch and flipped them. Lastly, there was the bathroom, he tore off the bed sheets and put them next to the fireplace, they were next to go through the burning inferno. He already felt better, he would need new dishes and bedsheets, but he needed them gone.

As he watched the clothes slowly burn away, he saw a red liquid drop onto the floor in the corner of his eye. He glanced down at his hand and realized he had a deep cut, most likely from the plates he slammed on the ground.

“Well, shit,” he muttered before walking into the bathroom to get the first aid kit. He washed off the cut to the best of his ability, rinsed it with rubbing alcohol and wrapped it up in gauze. After he was done, he returned to the living room to continue watching the fire, sitting on the couch as he did so.

He took a deep breath and sighed. It was finally all over and he didn't have to worry about any of that bullshit anymore.

…

Life had got much better for everyone. Patton decided to move in with Virgil for his new elementary school teacher job and Virgil feels more content with someone living with him. Roman is going through hormone therapy and has been on testosterone for about a year. He also recently got a new job as a part of the tech team in a local theatre. He wanted to be an actor so bad, but he was too nervous to do it yet.

Today was a normal day, but this time was a bit different. He just came out of a Starbucks, pink drink in hand, on his way to work. This time, however, an attractive man with glasses and a blue polo shirt caught his eye.

He needed to talk to him. He couldn’t explain it, he saw attractive men all the time, but this one just had an aura about him. Roman took a deep breath and walked up to the man, who was patiently waiting for the streetlight to turn go from the orange hand to the white walking icon.

“Hey,” Roman greeted him with a slight stutter.

For a moment the other man was confused, but then greeted back with a cautious “Hello?”.

“Sorry, I know this is kind of weird for some random guy stopping you and talking to you,” The trans man scratched the back of his head awkwardly. “But you just seem… approachable? I don’t know, I just feel like I should talk to you.”

“Oh,” the mysterious stranger blurted, easing up a little bit. “I just thought you were some random salesman.”

Roman chuckled. “No, I just wanted to know your name.”

“My name is Logan,” he replied with a slight smile. Roman is very gay. “What is your name?”

“Uh, my name is Roman,” He tried to recover from his gayness, but failed. “Where are you headed if you don’t mind me asking?”

“No, it’s alright. I’m going to work actually. I’m a professor at a nearby college.”

“A man of smarts, eh? Pardon me or being so bold, but, not only is that very fitting, it is very attractive. What do you teach?”

For a moment, Logan looked a bit flustered but quickly recovered. “I teach astronomy.”

“That’s so cool! How long have you been teaching?”

“About three years so not that long, but I love astronomy and the students. I could never see myself doing anything else.”

“That’s beautiful,” Roman smiled gently.

“Thank you, where are you going?”

“About the same, actually. I work at the local theatre as part of the tech team.”

“I would have mistaken you for an actor,” the teacher raised his eyebrow.

“I would love to be one, but I just don’t think I’m quite ready for that. I don’t think I’m good enough, to be honest.”

This time he furrowed his eyebrows. “Why? You’re attractive, if your speaking voice is any testament to your singing voice, it must be nice, and you don’t seem to be the timid type seeing how you walked up to me without a problem.”

“Huh,” Roman was puzzled for a moment. “I never really thought about it that way, thank you.” He glanced at his watch. “Damn, I really need to go, but I want to see you again.”

“Do you have a pen and paper?”

 

“I have a pen, not any paper,” he glanced around for a solution, then saw Logan’s hand. “Can I use your hand?”

“I-I suppose?”

Roman gently grabbed his hand and wrote down his number. “Text me later, okay?”

“Sounds like a plan,” he smiled. How can a smile just make someone gayer? “It was a pleasure talking with you, Roman. I will talk to you soon.”

“Y-yeah! See ya later, Logan!” Then they parted ways.

That’s when Roman got out his phone and texted Virgil. “OH MY GOSH VIRGE I AM HELLA GAY AS SHIT”.

In a few seconds, Virgil texted back. “Roman, this isn’t new information. Why did you wake me up at seven in the morning to tell me something I already knew?”

“BECAUSE THERE WAS THIS GUY WHO WAS GOT AS FUCK AND I GAVE HIM MY NUMBER AND I AM CURRENTLY DYING”.

“Capslock, Ro. I need a cup of coffee first.”

After a few minutes, Roman was not only at the entrance of his work, but Virgil texted back. “Okay, continue.”

“I’m about to go to work, so I’ll have to tell you later, but I will say… Glasses, polo, tie, and jeans have never looked so attractive,” he about pocketed his phone, until he felt a vibration from it.

“You have a type, but okay.”

Roman wouldn’t be as annoyed as he was if it wasn’t true. He did find a man in a tie very attractive, especially if it was with a suit, but a polo would definitely do for now.

…

“So you are actually going to do this?” Logan asked, leaning back in his seat taking a sip of his coffee.

“Yeah, I mean,” Roman shrugged. “You’ve convinced me.”

“I believe you did that yourself, Roman. I may have encouraged you, but you ultimately made the decision yourself.”

The two were hanging out at a local coffee shop. They had been talking for a few months and if Roman didn’t think he had crush before, he definitely did now. Logan was passionate, handsome, and an incredible hard-worker. Too bad Logan was completely oblivious when it came to his flirting. Even so, he still didn’t know if the teacher was gay or not, which made everything even more frustrating.

“You can take a compliment you know,” he rolled his eyes. “I couldn’t have made a decision without you, Lo. It’s with your encouragement that I felt confident enough to agree to the audition in the first place.”

“Ah, so you agree it was just encouragement,” Logan said with a smirk.

Roman threw a balled up napkin at him, it hit his chest softly. “Shut up!”

He threw back his head in laughter.

In case it wasn’t blatantly obvious, Roman is very gay. His face began to turn red as he turned the other way. He took a deep breath and sighed, gaining back his composure. “So, if I get in, will you come to see me?”

Logan furrowed his eyebrows, then relaxed them. “Of course, Roman.”

He smiled softly to himself, looking down at his half-way empty cup of coffee. “I’m glad.”

For a moment, Roman could’ve sworn he saw his friend turn away.

He cleared his throat. “Anyway, you need to prepare for your audition.”

“I already have my monologue ready!”

“And your solo?”

“... Okay, maybe I’m a bit underprepared-”

“Roman,” the college professor pinched the bridge between his eyes. “You know what, we are going to my lecture hall, then you are going to find a song and practice it.”

“I don’t wanna go to school!” He whined jokingly.

“No, we’re going,” Logan grabbed the other man’s hand gently and went on their way.

Shit.

When they got there, Logan shut the door behind them, booted up his computer, and opened up YouTube. Roman leaned on his desk, waiting for further instruction.

“Okay, what song are you thinking of singing?” He looked over his computer.

“I don’t know, I haven’t sung except with Virgil in the car,” he answered honestly.

“Why is that? I thought you loved singing.”

“I do, it’s just…” Voice dysphoria. “I’m unconfident in my voice.”

“Well, with a good song, hopefully, we can boost that confidence.” Logan thought for a moment, then typed in a song. “Do you know of the musical: Dear Evan Hansen?”

“I LOVE that musical,” Roman replied with loud enthusiasm.

“Let’s try the beginning of ‘You Will Be Found’.”

It went well, way more than Roman thought it would. His voice had gotten deeper. Logan was thoroughly impressed as well. However, he had a better idea that seemed to fit Roman a bit better.

“That was beautiful, Roman,” the teacher complimented.

“Are you just saying that?” the wannabe actor asked under his breath.

“No,” he replied sternly. “I was going to say that I think there’s another song that I think would fit your personality better.” As he typed, he continued talking. “It is rather risky, but I think if done in the right way, it’s possible.”

“What’s the song?”

“Defying Gravity.”

Roman’s eyes widened. “No, no way!”

“Worst-case scenario it’s not in your range and we choose another song.” He clicked “play”. “You know the words to the solo version correct?”

“Yes, of course, but-”

“Then you got this. Breathe, Roman.”

He did just that. The key was different than what he was used to, but it fit better after he got used to. He could hit the notes and he didn’t sound like a girl. He sounded like a man. The power of testosterone and hormone therapy in general.

The last note was a bit rough as his thoughts got the best of him. He tried to get back on track but only made it worse. Good job, Roman.

“That was outstanding actually,” Logan stated. “That last note, however.”

“I over-thought it.”

“That’s a first.”

“Hey!”

The college professor laughed at himself and his friend’s reaction. “Anyway, I think that’s a winner, oddly enough.”

“Really?” Roman raised an eyebrow.

“Indeed,” He nodded and shut off his computer. He walked over to the other man. “If you work at it and not overthink it, you will succeed.”

“Thank you, Logan.” Roman hugged him. “You have no idea what this means to me. You’re an amazing friend.”

At first, Logan was hesitant, but then softly hugged him back. “No problem, Roman.” It was oddly comforting, he hasn’t hugged anyone in a very long time.

After a few moments, they broke the hug, that’s when something strange occurred. They shared eye contact, which wasn’t strange in of itself, but the feeling that happened between both of them was strange. Roman’s heart began to race, along with the thoughts in his head. They were all screaming one thing: “KISS HIM YOU FOOL!” The second they all shut off, it happened. Roman kissed Logan.

As soon as it started, however, it ended. It was light, but let off enough electricity to set off the “OH SHIT” alarm in Ro’s head. He needed to leave. He needed to leave right now.

“I gotta go,” Roman dashed out of the room.

“Roman, wait-!”

The door slam shut. Logan leaned back on his desk as if it were the only thing supporting him. He gently touched his lips, still in shock as to what happened. He stayed for a while, contemplating many things at once. What the hell are these emotions?

…

It had been several months since that incident. Roman had gotten a role in the musical, more specifically, a secondary role. The musical was Be More Chill and he was playing Michael. They almost gave him the lead role, however, they decided that he should get a lesser role due to lack of experience. Which he was okay with, in fact, he was very much excited and more than prepared for opening night, nervous, but still excited. He had already bought tickets for Virgil and Patton for the front row.

The only thing he was worried about was, of course, “Michael in the Bathroom”. His voice had gotten slightly deeper since his audition -which he nailed- and sometimes his voice wanted to crack in times it really shouldn’t have. It frustrated him, to say the least, but he believed in him just as much as some did several months ago: Logan.

He hadn’t thought of Logan for a few months, forcing himself to focus on his work. The second he would think of him, that’s when he would falter. He couldn’t let that happen. He would shove those thoughts deeply until the show was over. That’s all that he needed.

That’s when the stage lights showed on him. “Michael!” The actor for Jeremy exclaimed.

He continued his groove and song. This was him now, he wasn’t Roman then. He was Michael. That was the whole point of him being there: To act. He’d be damned if he wasn’t going to do just that.

It all flew by and it was finally near the end of act two. It was time for his comeback, for Michael’s comeback.

“Get out of my way, loser,” the other actor growled, causing Michael to all but crawl into his shoes.

He ran inside the bathroom and slammed the door behind himself. Covering his mouth, to shield his agape mouth.

A knock and a shout. “Hey! Some people have to use the bathroom!”

“I’m on my period!” He replied.

“Take your time, sweetheart.” They went away.

The music started. It was his time, finally. He continued to stare at the floor for the first part of the verse, then paced around as he continued. After a verse and a half of that, he sat on the tub, this is the first time he fully noticed the crowd. That was his downfall.

He saw his friends: Virgil and Patton. Next to them, however, was the person he forced himself to suppress in the back of his mind: Logan.

No, not now. He couldn’t, he wasn’t ready. They made eye contact. Fuck it, use this as fuel. That’s what a good actor would. He was a tad bit late, albeit, but he saved it.

“But then I look in the mirror, and the present is clearer,” He took a short breath. “And there’s no denying, I’m just-!”

He was crying. That’s it, not only did he hit the note, he finally cried on cue. He finished the song, then exiting offstage, his eyes flooding with real tears. He couldn’t tell if this was Roman or Michael anymore. Whoever it was, he needed to collect himself before Michael appears on stage again.

…

The rest of the show went extremely well. The whole cast earned a standing ovation and Roman earned a few loud cheers, not just from the people in the front row either. He earned it and he knew he did, the whole cast did. All the hard work was all worth it for this moment.

After the crowd cleared off and the stage was clear, Roman walked out of the back doors, just to be tackled in a hug by Patton, luckily he caught himself.

“I’m so proud of you!” He cried, tears prevalent in his voice. “The show was amazing and you were just- augh- you were just flawless as always, Roman!”

“Thanks, Patt,” He smiled gently as he hugged his friend back. “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

When Patton finally let him go, Virgil came up to hug him.

“Are we gonna do the straight guy hug or an actual hug?” Virgil asked, a smirk on his face.

“I prefer an actual hug, but whatever you prefer, Dark and Dreary,” the actor pulled his best friend into a hug. “Thank you for encouraging me and giving me reality checks, Virge.”

“That was all you, buddy,” He hugged him tightly. “I’m so proud of you, you did amazing.”

Ro smiled as they let go. That was until he noticed someone out of the corner of his eye. All of the emotion he had earlier came back, but not with sadness, with rage.

He saw Logan again. This time, Logan looked guilty. He had something to say, but he wasn’t going to say it quite yet.

“Excuse me for a moment,” He said walking away from the pair.

They watched him, Patton stopping Virgil from going after him. “Let him sort this out, Virgil.” The purple-haired man nodded.

Roman stood face-to-face to Logan. He breathed in deeply then let out a sigh. He knew what he wanted to say.

“I know what I did was sudden. I know I was dumb,” The actor let his emotion take over fully. “But why the hell do you think it’s okay to just suddenly walk into my life again?! You think you can just come back and act like nothing happened?! That you didn’t ignore my texts?! That you neglected to call me back for months?! You think it’s okay to come to my show, opening night, and sit in the fucking first row?! Do you understand how that makes me feel?! Do you want to hurt me?! Do you want to see me in pain, is that it?!”

“Roman,” Logan called.

“What do you want from me?! Do you want to make me cry again?!”

“Roman, please-”

“What is it, Logan? For once in your life, explain to me your fucking feelings?!”

The professor gently pulled the other man into an embrace. “Please, Roman.”

“Just,” he tugged on the back of Logan’s shirt as his tears fell. “Why did you leave me, Lo?”

For a moment, Roman could’ve sworn that he heard him sniffle. He couldn’t think about it or he would cry much harder.

“I’m sorry,” he began. “I didn’t understand how I felt. I couldn’t figure out my words for once. I didn’t want to hurt you, I never did. I just…” He sighed. “I wanted to say I had romantic feelings for you, but I didn’t know how.”

“You just did.” The performer pulled away, a slight smirk on his face, then it faltered again. “However, if you ever pull some shit like that again, I will sick Virgil on you.”

Logan looked over Roman’s shoulder, noticing a rather intimidating man with purple hair, giving him a violent glare. A shiver went down his vine, causing Roman to chuckle. He did not look like the type of person to go toe-to-toe with.

“However,” He started again, earning back Logan’s attention. “I want me to promise me something.”

“Anything,” the man with glasses replied.

“Be honest with your feelings,” he said sternly.

“I-” he interrupted himself with a sigh- “Emotions are not my strong suit. I will try, however. I will do my best for you. I would do anything for you.”

“I… Logan, you don’t have to say all of that.”

“I mean it.” He kissed Roman gently on the head. “I don’t want to hurt you like this ever again. It physically hurt me to watch you cry onstage and cry now. I don’t want to cause that, that’s never my intention. I care about you so much and-”

“Logan,” Roman placed his hand gently on the other man’s lips. “Please, breathe.”

And he did just that. “I care about you, more than you’ll ever know. That’s being honest.”

“Logan,” he grabbed his hands, intertwining their fingers. “May I kiss you, I’m not going to surprise you like last time.”

The intelligent man smiled. “You may.”

That was the start of a beautiful new relationship and they were finally ready to pursue it.

 

…

It had been almost a year since that night and everything was going great. Logan and Roman have been dating since then and they couldn’t be happier. There was only one thing that caused Roman some discomfort when he thought about it: Logan still didn’t know that Roman was transgender. It just never gave up in conversation and there didn’t seem to be a good time to talk about it. That was about to change.

It was Roman’s day off and he was relaxing in the living room, watching Mulan for the umpteenth time. It was rather hot, so he decided that he didn’t a shirt, just his binder. He was by himself after all and his dysphoria was manageable that day.

His phone buzzed from across the room, but he didn’t hear it. It was a text from his boyfriend.

“Salutations my prince, I believe I left one of my ties over at your apartment. I know this is very last minute, and I apologize for that, but I am about five minutes away, so I hope it is alright that I will be dropping by. I hope to see you soon, Logan.”

In exactly five minutes after that text, Mulan ended, causing Roman to get up from his seat and check his phone. That’s when he saw the text, panic immediately set in.

“Shit,” he said with a gasp.

He couldn’t think logically. His house was an utter mess from his Disney movie marathon and not to mention he was shirtless at the moment. It was fine though, he still had time to find a shirt at least, right? That’s when he heard keys rattling on the other side of the front door. He forgot he gave Logan a key.

His mind went a million thoughts per second but the main thing screaming was “shirt”. He didn’t have a shirt close enough by unless he somehow could run to-

“Oh,” Logan blurted, as they locked eyes.

“I-” Roman tried to speak, but a certain voice in his head stopped him. “I can explain.”

“What? You’re embarrassed he found out who you truly are? Pathetic,” the voice spat. It was a voice he thought he forgot about, but it was back again. “Now he’s never going to love you. You will never, ever be loved, Roman.”

Logan’s figure was replaced with someone else’s. Someone who he hadn’t seen in almost two years. It caused him to step back in fear.

“Please don’t hurt me,” he whimpered.

Behind the monster’s voice was a garbled muted one, but he couldn’t quite hear it over the harshness of the monster’s. “I won’t waste my time on a pathetic piece of shit like you. You’re a waste of flesh and blood.”

Tears came streaming down the young actor’s face. “No, I’m n-not.” He tripped and fell down onto his rear end. The figure loomed over him as the garbled speech behind it continued. “Please, leave me alone. You’re scaring me.”

“You see, Rosalina, that’s not possible, I’m always here,” he growled, leaning down and grabbing his shoulders.

Roman shut his eyes tears.

“Roman!” the muffled voice finally became clear.

He opened his eyes to see his boyfriend. Originally, he would’ve been a source of comfort, but now he was someone he feared. “I’m sorry” is all Ro could mumble over and over.

“Roman, please,” Logan gently pulled his boyfriend into a hug. “It’s okay, please don’t be sorry. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re fine.”

“Please don’t hate me now,” he sobbed into his shoulder.

“I could never hate you,” he reassured as he kissed the crying man’s forehead. “I love you so much. I don’t care if you’re transgender or not, I still love you. I always will, that’s a promise.”

This only caused Roman to hold on to him tightly as if Logan could disappear at any second. “I love you too.”

Logan pulled away slightly, making eye contact. “However, you need to be honest with me. I said I would be honest about myself, I want you to do the same, please.”

The other looked away for a moment, then proceeded to look into his lover’s eyes. “Okay, but it’s a very long story.”

…

“You found out you were transgender two years ago?” Logan asked, processing all the information that was given to him.

“Yes.”

“And your ex-partner forbid you from continuing your transition by causing you emotional and physical harm?”

“... Yes.”

“How did Virgil not kill him?”

“He almost did, but I stopped him by pressing charges against Damien,” Roman looked towards his boyfriend on the opposite side of the couch. He looked as if he was deep in thought.

“Is this bastard behind bars?” He said through gritted teeth as he balled his hands into a fist.

“Fortunately, yes,” The actor said with a forced smile. “Emile Picani was my lawyer, he’s one of the best people I know. I’m still thankful to this day for helping me.”

“Roman, you didn’t deserve what he did to you,” He turned to his love, a mixture of sadness, anger, and concern in his eyes. “You can’t help how you are and if he hated you for it, that was his problem, it shouldn’t have been your’s.”

“I know that now,” Roman moved closer to him as he placed a gentle hand to his shoulder. “That thing that happened a few minutes ago was something that came from trauma, not you. It’s an everyday battle.”

“You should not have to fight that battle alone,” his face was turned away and there was a slight tremble in his voice. “I should have been more reassuring.”

“Logan, look at me.”

He hesitated, then came face to face with his boyfriend. Logan was crying.

“Oh, Logan,” he said with a sigh as he hugged him. “Please don’t blame yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong. You can’t stop the things that are wrong with me. What happened a few minutes ago wasn’t your fault. I’m getting help.”

“I don’t want you to be in pain,” he replied through his soft sobs.

“I’m the happiest I’ve been in years, Lo,” Roman reassured. “You’re with me, Virgil and Patton are happy, my acting career is taking off, Damien is gone, I’m getting the help I need, and my family back at home is fully supportive of everything I do. I’m not in pain, there are just things that need to be fixed before I’m fully healed.”

Logan held his boyfriend tightly. “I’m not going to leave your side, then.”

He smiled. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, my prince.”


End file.
